Balmoral Puff is bringing pot to the posh

The stigma around cannabis is waning as we approach legalization, but one new brand is worried that this trend isn’t going far enough.

“Balmoral Puff is more than just a cannabis brand, it’s a lifestyle” says company founder William Plantagenet. “We’re setting out to show that cannabis is for everyone, not just your stereotypical ivy league millennial corporate executives. We’re showing that cannabis is even for people like us, the leisure classes!”

Standing on the mezzanine in the neoclassical foyer of Winston Abbey, the Plantagenet family’s ancestral home, it’s easy to see why William feels the need to break the straightedge stereotype often associated with hereditary nobles in the modern age.

The entire room is done up in Italian marble, and with all of the statues, vases, and paintings (including several family portraits by Gainsborough), it feels more like a museum than a house. 

But for William, the normalization of cannabis among the leisure classes is a family matter.

“My great great great great great grandfather, William Plantagenet, the 3rd Duke of Winston, was actually colonial overseer of all the hemp plantations in Virginia. That is, until a bit of civil unrest amongst the locals forced him to retire back to Winston Abbey. So there’s a bit of a family connection here.”

Balmoral Puff aims to establish a new culture around cannabis, one that will put puffing on a joint after dinner in the same class as brandy and cigars. To this end, the brand is already developing several products that combine cannabis with the kind of luxury known only to a select few.

Accessories on offer include diamond encrusted gold leaf rolling papers as well as one of a kind pipes and bongs that have been handcrafted by world renowned artists, including Darrian Wurst, John Jaspers, and David Hockey. Prices range from “please inquire” to “see you at Christie’s” and items can only be viewed by special appointment.

Balmoral Puff is also preparing to offer a line of cannabis infused fine foods, including caviar, truffle oil, dry-cured wagyu beef, and tiger’s milk.

In terms of straight cannabis, Balmoral is planning to offer a line of buds that have been eaten and then pooped out by a rare tropical civet. “The civet’s digestive system lends the cannabis an unmistakable bouquet of pond lilies and burnt almonds that is unrivalled,” explains Plantagenet.

If you’re interested in checking out what Balmoral Puff has to offer, they currently have locations in Montreal and Vancouver, with plans to open stores in Toronto and Calgary in the coming months.

For the time being, only smoking accessories and Balmoral branded cashmere scarfs and sweaters are available, while the civet buds and infused foods will be made available immediately following legalization.  

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*This article is a satirical work.

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