StratCann to hold equity by launching ‘StratCoin’ ICO in place of seed round

While investors scurry to gobble up every bit of cannabis company equity that hits the market in the run-up to legalization, StratCann has opted to hold onto its equity by using an initial coin offering (ICO) to raise funds in place of more traditional options like seed rounds or an IPO.

“StratCoin will be a securities-backed offering that will allow investors to participate in StratCann’s inevitable rise to the stratosphere without watering down the equity of our current partners,” explains Duke Broman, StratCann’s CEO. “There’s only a finite amount of equity, you know, and we don’t want to end up like ‘you know who’ in that Aurora thing.

“There’s no limit to the amount of weed we can grow, so we’re backing our ICO with one gram of AAA grade cannabis per StratCoin. Currently, one StratCoin sells for about $2.5 CAD, so you can see the value for investors and consumers alike.”

When asked how this will work while StratCann is still waiting for its cultivation license, Broman explained that this is why the coins are being offered at such a good value: “You can basically buy a gram of the best weed the world will have ever seen here for a fraction of what it would cost anywhere else once it’s been grown. You get the deal because you have to wait for the security to be in place.

“The value of StratCoin will increase as we enter production, and by the time the securities are in place and we have our sales license, it makes sense that one StratCoin should be worth about $15—the market value of the weed it represents.”

Broman hopes to sell about 2 million StratCoins, which would raise a total of about $10 million. When asked what the company plans to do with this cash injection, Broman explains that a significant amount of it will need to be spent to expand the company’s level 12 dank vault capacity to deal with stockpiling the nearly 6 thousand kg of cannabis represented by the ICO.  

“That’s a lot of weed you know? It’s gonna be kind of a Fort Knox type situation here. But we’re ready for it. Gord, our chief of security, is basically chomping at the bit to meet the challenge. Under his direction, in addition to our existing vault space at ground level, we’re boring down 100 meters into the bedrock and building the new vault inside the bedrock. Thanks be to Gord, our investors can rest assured that their securities are being held in the most secure dank vault in North America. In fact, Gord tells me the only more secure dank vault in the world is Kim Jong-un’s personal stash in a mountain-bunker north of Pyongyang.”

How will earmarking so much cannabis for the ICO stockpile affect StratCann’s ability to bring cannabis to market once it has a sales license? Broman says that the issue is “of little to no concern.”

“You see” he continues, “in reality, the cash we raise from the ICO won’t cover the expense of the underground vault and producing all that weed to fill it up, so we’re going to need to sell more coins in the future, a lot more, which will necessitate expanding our vault space and stockpiling even more weed. Do you see where this is going?

“Our new end-game isn’t to grow weed to sell to consumers so they can smoke it, it’s to grow weed that we sold to someone 6 months before it was even planted, and then put it in a vault. So essentially we’re always growing, always expanding our capacity and stockpile, without ever leaving ourselves vulnerable to a hostile acquisition!”  

*This is OBVIOUSLY satire*

Featured image courtesy of Namecoin via Flickr.

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2 comments

  1. Boston John Reply

    All these newfangled internet monies aren’t real. Give me some gold bullion and my bugout bag, thankyouverymuch.

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