Dr. Richard Pecunious, CEO of Confab Cannabis Technology Inc. (CCTI), says he knows which way the wind is blowing. “I first realized the potential power of cannabis way back in April of last year,” he recalls. “I had been running a moderately successful chiropractic practice for some time, but then early in 2016 I started losing patients. I had no idea why, until one day I was playing the horses at the track and I bumped into a patient I hadn’t heard from in quite a while. I asked her how her back was doing, and she told me it was better than it had ever been since she started using medical cannabis.”
Intrigued by this encounter, Pecunious wondered what strange medicine was so powerful that it could supplant the need for his chiropractic expertise. He decided to see what the hype was about.
“I headed down to Victory Square because that’s where my friends used to go to buy cannabis when we were in high school. I found a disheveled pile of dreadlocks sitting under a maple tree who was alternating between hitting a bong and exhaling through his didgeridoo. I asked him if he knew where I could ‘score a lid of pot’. Without saying a word, he put down his instruments and beckoned that I should follow him.
“We walked for some time—down the road, through a dark alleyway—until we eventually came to a dispensary. Silently, the man motioned that I should enter. ‘But I’m not sick, I don’t have a prescription’ I said. The man shrugged and turned away, leaving me standing there alone. Confused, I decided it was worth a shot, and entered the dispensary. That’s when my whole understanding of everything changed.”
Shortly after this experience, Pecunious founded CCTI with the goal of “utilizing technology to seize emergent opportunities in the cannabis space and maximize consumer engagement,” and he hasn’t looked back since.
Starting out in the ruins of Pecunious’ defunct chiropractic office with two part time employees and an unpaid intern, the company now boasts a top-floor office in one of downtown Vancouver’s most prestigious office towers.
“This time last year you could count the number of CCTI employees on one hand. Now we have around 45 full time employees, and just look at that view!” he says, beaming proudly. “And what’s more, our burn rate is going up a thousand percent month over month. Our vaulation is through the roof and investors are lining up around the block—all this, and we’re still pre-revenue!”
CCTI is already making waves with its unique application of cutting edge technology in the cannabis consumer space.
“Our flagship innovation is a bud recognition app called KushChecker that tells you whether or not your cannabis is Purple Kush just from pointing your phone camera at it” says Pecunious. “It launched in August and already has almost a thousand downloads, with about 50 people using it on a daily basis as of this week. We’re off to a great start here.”
But he stresses that this is just the beginning. The company is already developing an app based on the same optical recognition platform as KushChecker that will tell you how high you are on a scale from “Jeff Sessions” to “Bob Marley” based on how red your eyes are.
The sky is the limit for CCTI, which just closed a 15 million dollar seed round, it’s third this year. Investors included Die Heiße Luft—Germany’s largest prune wine manufacturing concern—and Tarfeather Venture Group, which is owned by Pecunious’ father-in-law, George Tarfeather Jr.
“We now have enough working capital to cover our overhead for a few months while we complete development of our second app,” says Pecunious. “This is truly an exciting time to be alive!”
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*This article is a satirical work.