StratCann announces acquisition of Shatter Island

Earlier today StratCann announced that it will be acquiring Shatter Island BC Craft, a move that is sure to bolster StratCann’s already dank stock price.

Shatter Island BC Craft is known for its small-batch, homemade, artisanal, and appellative cannabis, which is grown in the smallest batches possible by a little old lady named Mildred.

StratCann CEO Duke Broman says the acquisition was made over tequila shots at a luxury hotel near a recent cannabis industry expo.

“We were all up late one night on a recent weekend doing shots with the good folks at Shatter Island and I started joking around that we needed to buy a “craft” company to “keep it real” and my buddy Greg, Shatter Island’s VP of product development, told me they had been looking to get bought by a big, faceless corporation. And, well… it just clicked.

“We each had another shot, pounded each other on the chest four or five times to seal the deal, and that was it” continued a visibly-stoked Goodelman.

Shatter Island’s founder, Sonya Johnstone, Mildred’s great granddaughter, says she was disappointed to learn her company was sold over some bro-shots, but says she probably doesn’t have a choice and so she’s happy she’ll at least soon be able to pay off her student debt.

The move comes at a time when the industry is expected to begin a long series of consolidations as smaller companies get bored and pivot on to podcasting and opening crossfit studios.

More announcements of a similar nature are expected soon. Stay verped to keep up to date on the avant-garde of the cannabis industry.

Featured image courtesy of Sara Long.

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*This article is a satirical work.

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