Lucifer’s Legion motorcycle club forms ‘Weedsters’ union in last-ditch effort to “keep crime in cannabis”

It’s no revelation that one of the key desired outcomes of the Liberals’ plan to legalize cannabis is to take money and power out of the hands of organized crime. While it’s true that many players in the the illicit cannabis market have traditionally been small scale “mom and pop” type operations, it’s also true that, for many decades, large criminal organizations across the country were profiting hand over fist from the black market created by prohibition.

One Alberta motorcycle club isn’t taking this sitting down (unless you count sitting down on a Harley going 150 km/h down the straight prairie highway).

Taking a page from the gangster’s handbook of days past, the Cremona Alberta chapter of the infamous Lucifer’s Legion is moving to form a union of cannabis industry workers, preliminarily dubbed the Canadian Cannabis Workers Union (CCWU), affectionately nicknamed the “Weedsters’ Union” by early proponents.

President Alf Tully, also a known full patch member of Lucifer’s Legion, explains that, for a while, the club felt that the government had outsmarted them by legalizing cannabis. Many members were considering ‘going straight’ for the first time in their lives.  

This all changed late one night in November. Tully was having a hard time getting to sleep, so he made some popcorn and put on one of his favorite movies, Danny Devito and David Mamet’s classic 1992 biopic, Hoffa.

The film stars Jack Nicholson as the infamous Jimmy Hoffa, and details the relationship between the Teamsters’ Union and the mafia.

“Why couldn’t we do that with weed?” recalls Tully. “At that point it was 3am, but I couldn’t help it. I jumped on my hog and ripped down to the clubhouse, where I knew things would just be getting lit up. I didnt even think to change outa my bathrobe. ‘BOYS!’ I shouted, ‘I’ve got it! I know how we can keep crime in legal weed!’”

Two months have passed since then, and a late-night epiphany has started to take shape in reality.

“We got membership pledges from about 200 workers spread out over seven facilities, with a majority at two of those facilities. It’s only a matter of time before we’re certified. Then we’ll be unstoppable.”

Once the union is fully operational, Tully expects pulling a profit will be a straightforward affair, with workers at various licensed producers, distribution centres, and dispensaries helping the organization both to launder money and to divert legal product to the remaining black market. But he is quick to point out that even though he expects the union to be profitable, it won’t make up for the revenues lost as legalization takes effect.  

“Imagine you own a successful nationwide chain of burger restaurants, and one day the government comes along and says burgers are now illegal. Well that’s basically what’s happening right now with weed. We got thousands of businesses that have been operating for decades that will suddenly be worthless.”

When asked why he felt comfortable talking openly about these plans, Tully responded simply that “We got lawyers for that shit.”

If you or someone you know might be interested in joining or forming a chapter of the CCWU at your local LP, Tully can be contacted at Cremona’s Drunk Skunk Tavern between the hours of 2pm and midnight, Mountain Time.

Featured image courtesy of the US Army.

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*This article is a satirical work.

1 Comment

  1. Boston John Reply

    It’s government propaganda that so-called ‘gangs’ are involved in the cannabis industry (stop calling it marijuana!). The Dane Commission report proved that 94% of the cannabis produced in this country comes from small, craft growers supporting local communities. ‘Gangs’ wouldn’t know how to grow weed if it hit them in the face. Legalize it and it will take it away from these dangerous criminals.

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