Tim Hortons CEO announced today that the Canadian-based multinational has begun formal talks with the BC government to convince the province that Timmies would be the most secure place to sell cannabis.
The move, some speculate, is an attempt to re-brand the company in the wake of a recent boycott by some Canadians upset with Tim Hortons response to a minimum wage hike in Ontario.
Taco Bell CEO Danielle Black, the acting CEO of the Canadian-based chain of Tim Hortons, says he’s excited by the possibility of selling what he calls “cannabis products” in British Columbia.
“We believe we are the best choice for the province when it comes to a safe, responsible way of selling cannabis in a controlled setting that keeps the profits out of the hands of organized crime and the products away from our children,” said Black in a news conference in Surrey.
The BC government has hinted they will be selling cannabis in public and private liquor stores by this summer, but many have said that the co-location of alcohol and marijuana may put marijuana smokers in danger of the temptations of alcohol.
Black says that Tims is the best solution for this concern. “We don’t sell any alcohol in Tim Hortons, so there’s no danger that one of our customers would come in for some sticky icky but end up buying a forty. Also, everyone knows cannabis and coffee pair perfectly together.”
“Plus,” continued the company’s VP Alex Chenko, “people will be more motivated to buy our crappy frozen donuts and sandwiches. Heck, maybe people will be so stoned that they’ll start liking our terrible coffee, which is really not even coffee, but just hot water with some brown food colouring and caffeine. It’s a win win. We protect British Columbian marijuana smokers, and they help protect the Canadian institution that is this Canadian-based, Brazilian-owned Tim Hortons.”
Some dispensary owners, however, say they find the suggestion that Tim Hortons can properly inform Canadians about the nuances of things like indica and sativa, or what is the difference between top shelf and mids, offensive.
“This is just more of Justin Trudeau’s fake legalization,” said Chad Larp, the executive director of the Vancouver Organization Into Cannabis Everywhere, or VOICE. VOICE is the third largest dispensary lobby agency in southwestern British Columbia.
“Many people use cannabis to get away from processed foods and harder drugs like coffee and sugar and white flour,” says Larp. “Putting cannabis products on the shelf next to these toxic poisons is downright criminal.”
Larp’s son, Dana, who helps run VOICE on the weekends when his dad is working at his naturopathic business in Chilliwack, says that he’s seen the benefits cannabis has on those suffering from Canada’s coffee and carb epidemic.
“I talk to people everyday and they tell me that without marijuana they would have never been able to give up their 10 double doubles-a-day habits. Plus, people with gambling addictions are tempted by things like Roll Up The Rim.
“The only rolling up a cannabis user needs to do is to roll up some of that dank BC Bud.”
Featured image courtesy of Miss Rogue.
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*This article is a satirical work. Nothing is true; all is permitted.